Emo entry time…
The time is 2340. Eating my dinner now.
I have just finished the cup of coffee. I decided to go out and get myself another drink. Got myself a hot cup of chinese tea. é“观音. Bitter.
Ate my dinner. Slowly. In front of the computer. And think. Why am I like that?
I have been wondering, how come, I always feel that, I am being treated differently? How come, I feel that, I am being left out of something. How come, I feel that, I am alone?
Why, I see certain things happening between people, but these things don’t happen between me and others? Why, I see certain reactions, but such reactions are not seen when I am in the picture. Why, I feel certain things, but such feelings are just, simply, my own feelings?
Why?
Why am I trying so hard?
Can I just revert back to the cold heartless Lk?
How come, I always feel that, I have a kind of aura around me, in such a way that, people are just scared of me?
Am I that scary?
How some, I always feel that…
Enough. I am sad.
Sad, the way things have become. Sad, the way things do not go the way I want them to be. Sad.
Just sad.
Because. I am different.
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Sometimes, I think, why am I working so hard? Why all the shit goes into my mailbox? Why not others?
Why?
Unless I find a very good reason, I will be so unmotivated. Not even the bonus can motivate me. No. I need to find something. I don’t know what, but I need to find something. Something that, I lack, or need.
I am just uber pissed, having more than 10 PRs bouncing around, and arrows to raise more PRs with limited/missing/outdated information. I am just like an idiot, spending more time on things that are all outside my main scope.
Why other people can have the privilege of being more free than me.
Why…
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I am so unmotivated. I used to finish up a section of code within half an hour. Now, a day. I used to finish up what I was supposed to do over the weekend. Now, I wait for Monday to arrive.
Now, I wonder, if I should go back on Saturday, to finish up that programming.
I will think about it.
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Later’s plan? Supposedly, I have tennis session at 9am. After that, supposedly, I have some outing at 2pm. Supposedly, I have a bbq at 5.30pm. I am still thinking.
I shall see how alive I am, later.
I am already running on backup battery. And that battery is running low.
I need to recharge.