Sometimes, when going to outings, I will think, what is my purpose for going?
Who am I when I am there? Am I of existance?
Maybe. Maybe not.
There's not much common things to talk.
It's sometimes more like a gathering, where I will feel out of place.
And when I feel out of place, I will be damn bored. I will be damn stone.
But who cares. No one will bother.
Everyone is in some conversation. There are multiple conversations going on. Which one can be cut in? Which 1 cannot?
And also. Some conversations are secretive. And that will make me feel even more left out of the loop. People not telling you things, and yet, happily laughing away.
And what can I do? Act as if I know, and laugh along? Act blur? Act bo-chup?
Simply put, I hate this kind of feeling. But I try to suppress all these hatred. Swallow them in, and try to look for openings.
It's not easy.