Going through my mails. Read a mail dated 27/9/2003.
The Tree, The Leaf, And The Wind
[Tree]
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Over time, I started to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolor paintings.
I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal. I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years. She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say “Go on!” before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school. I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too. During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says,
“Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay…”
[Leaf]
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage.
During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt – Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a month, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right? Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him.
The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay.
Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay… … …
[Wind]
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away.
When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amiss. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left.
The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away. It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls.
I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked “what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?” She said, “I'm nodding my head”. “Ah?” I couldn't believe my ears. “I'm nodding my head” She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly.
Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay… … …
Its not easy to love someone at first, but after time you accept everything, ever aspect; every imperfection and flaw and you find that even if you could, you wouldn't want to change the person after all. Love does that to a person. Maybe some of us were wrong to believe that Love was cruel, toying with our emotions and instincts. Maybe we just misunderstood what it truly meant.
If you love someone right now, tell them you love them, before the wind blows them away like it did to the leaf…
Nice story. Well… I think it's quite true. Stars… Tell me… Am I the Wind? A gentle breeze maybe. One that does not want anyone to be hurt…
This is my method of going home yesterday. First, I waited for a bus opposite Engin. 188 came, and I thought of going to West Mall. While reaching Clementi Stadium, I decided that if anyone pressed the bell, I would get off and board the next bus behind. The bell rang, and 198 was behind. Took it and started to evaluate the pros and cons of going to JP. Upon reaching JE library, I used the same bell decision again, and I got off. Walked from JEC to JE Popular and back to JE Central. In the end, I took 143.
Reached my home area. Used that same bell decision again, and got off at the market. Decided to give the new 7-eleven store a visit. Bought Mochi! Yummy! And another strange thing: I actually bought chocolates… Spent more than $5, and that earned me a Hello Kitty magnet…
This is my method of going school today. Took bus from home to JE. Used seat theory this time. If anyone sat besides me, I will get off after he/she has gotten off. With this theory, I alighted at JE interchange. Took 97 to Science. Wanted to apply that theory again, but decided that I wouldn't want to travel to find the durian early in the morning. Did that light experiment that made me see stars, and finished that lab report and fell asleep during Maths tutorial and stayed back till 8 for MNO project discussion.
Why am I so tired nowadays…
