I am strong. I believe I am. I have so many things to say, but I do not know where to start… let me think for a while…
It's been a long time. Around 6 years ever since. And yes, it's my fault for this to happen, because I procrastinate. I wait, thinking that you too, will. How stupid. How naïve of me.
Even if the result was negative back then, it would not be that bad. At least.
Even now, I think, it's also not that bad actually.
What I need is, someone, to explain, to talk, to discuss the issues with me. Explain to me. Slowly. Patiently. Settle it once and for all, and move on.
Or at least, for me, try to move on. At least now, I know what's the feeling of losing something that you really treasured.
“??????????????”
– ??? – ??
It's a disappointing day. It started raining during the second hour of the EE2011 lecture. It just reflected my mood then. Rain follows, shows, and amphasizes my mood sometimes. I just could not stand you not talking to me first, before he appeared during lecture. It's so disappointing. Even though I have known the outcome before that, I just nearly could not take it back then…
I remembered that I said that my endurance threshold is quite high, but just now, it was at the brim. It was so bad, I actually felt cold during the lecture. My hands were shaking quite abit. I felt sick. I just wanted the lecture to end quickly.
“????? ????? ?????????
??????????? ??????”
– ?? – ??
And so, the lecture ended, and I was slightly relieved, but still felt sick. I could not even eat finish the sandwiches and potato salad that I had shared with Ben. Just felt sick. Sick of what, I did not really know.
Suddenly, I thought about history once again. My memory is good for such things. I could remember lots of things. That's why I have always wanted to bang my head one day, and forget about everything. I remembered the day where I wore a pink polo tee for the first time. I saw and remembered what happened that day, and I knew, the end is near.
And next came various school meetings and the Night Safari trip. Hope was not with me. I thought, why not just pack up and leave? Why bother? But I could not. I did not really pick it up, how to let go?
“???? ??????
?????? ??????? “
– ??? – ????
I was wrong about many things. I was wrong about waiting. I was wrong about just keeping quiet. I was wrong about doing backstage work rather than right infront.
It's all my fault.
So ironic. I was telling Joan a few days ago that, it's always not one person's fault when things happen. And now, right here, I am taking in all the blame…
Ha. Ha. Ha.
That Safari night was the night that I drank 2 cans of Nescafe Latte in a row, and ended up unable to sleep. I wondered if the real reason was the latte, or was it regarding some other thing? Maybe it's this song…
“????Latte???? ?????????
????? ??????? ??????????”
– ??? – ????
It was disturbing, not really knowing what had happened, and what would happen next. I was just waiting. Waiting for some things to happen.
[To be continued …]
